OCTOBER 20TH: The Work in Question
21 years have gone by and not enough has changed. My growth has been followed by a growing discontent with who I am. I cannot keep exhausting myself like this.
All I want to do is improve. I have this fixation about whether or not I am a good person, whether or not I am thinking enough of others, always trying to find the root of why I do what I do. Maybe this constant introspection is setting me up to fail, but I cant shake it nor do I want to. People dont look within enough. But is too much any better?
All I want to do is prove to myself that I can accomplish something. That my mind isnt some absent being that produces benign thought. That there is more to me, that I am more than my next fixation or pursuit. That all this self-work is actually happening, that it actually can happen. What does that even look like?
This. I hope writing will help me digest my thoughts and feelings and act with more clarity and with less impulsivity. I am tired of being aimless and reckless.
I am writing this because I actually want to get better, I am writing because I actually want to change. I romanticize the pain often, I almost believe that this is what life is about, yearning and hurting and extremes. It just leaves me to live a life of instability, lashing out and grasping for anything.
I want to get better, for myself and for others. To prove that I can get out of this cycle. To be a better version of myself so that I am a better person to others. I love loving, I love caring, and I love trying to give people a reason to smile. I am tired of feeling lately like I am the reason for pain, discomfort, and sadness. Thats not who I want to be. Who do I want to be?
I dont want to be a polarizing figure, I want to be a good person.
I am always fighting with myself. What I want and what I need are never aligned. Or do I just say that? I was told I dont always have to be this righteous person. I do though. I want to feel at peace with myself for once. I want to take pictures, I want to be able to look at my body, I want to dress how I want to, I want to let someone in intimately, I want to feel good about myself, I want to be proud of myself, I want to love the worst parts about me, I want to feel like happiness is possible for me. Is it?I have been given such good people in my life. People who want to understand me and are rooting for me to one day get there. I hope that day is soon. Will it be soon enough?