OCTOBER 29TH: Its Time to Talk About Love
I think love is on my mind more than anything else, and I can’t tell if thats tragically beautiful or simple tragic. I find peace in knowing that my friends feel the same way, we are all yearning for something and someone, but for some reason mine feels more intense, more deep rooted.
The easy answer that I tell everyone is that this obsessive need for romantic intimacy comes from my lack of familial love and security. And yes, I do feel like this is true, but it also feels like theres something more there because a lot of people have struggled growing up, feeling like they don’t have that unconditional love. And they arent always restraining themselves from buying that drink for someone or changing to an insinuating tone of voice. I feel like a broken record sometimes.
People think I’m charming but I think I’m pathetic. And some people think I’m pathetic too. And I hate those people because they are right.
I feel like I am a better idea in someone’s head than I am in reality. I have this way of presenting that makes me seem very collected and confident, unbothered and kind of shifty with everyone. So then when people get interested, they have fallen for someone much greater than I am. Naturally, that sets them up for disappointment.
I’m scared that once people figure out who I am they will be disappointed. So I build myself off of ideals. I present what people want to see and then when they get too close I freak out. People don’t want me like they say they do.
I’m seeing the connection now. My parents don’t know who I am and if they found out who I actually was, they wouldn’t love me like they claim to now. I just can’t even fathom this reality of mine. The family unit has too much power to take away your life from you. You can remedy it as much as possible, you can have phenomenal friends and significant other that really understands you but this void is one that can be filled by nobody else. We learned in class that the family is the first school of justice, it’s where you learn your moral judgments, it’s where you learn what love is ,what it means, and how to show it.
I don’t even know how to begin working at these insecurities. I’m constantly putting out flames. I hate this feeling and it’s part of the reason I didn’t and don’t want to engage with anything to begin with. Why do we always try to act so unbothered? I have to keep remembering this:
I stopped watching for ridicule c, the scorpions tail hidden in his words. He said what he meant; he was puzzled if you did not. Some people might have mistaken this for simplicity. But is not sort of genius to cut always to the heart?
Sometimes you have to confront the thoughts that make you spiral to either realize a) You are overreacting and these thoughts exist only within your mind, b) you have things to accept, learn from and work through.
I never used to be scared of intimacy. I would welcome it with open arms and rose colored glasses. I lived to love. Everything I did had a strain of romance in it, when I loved it I found it in the little things. Crying at the Trevi Fountain, appreciating a beautifully written poem, analyzing song lyrics over and over. I liked who I was when I loved love and I am dissatisfied with the person I am becoming without it.
It is a scary feeling to be changing.